Connecting so your message received is really a two-part answer. We'll address the first part today; the second part is listening well, which we'll tackle in the next segment.
Emails laced with undertones and between the lines
commentary do not offer the reader an open line of communication. Someone conversing with you being vague
enough to not answer questions fully makes you wonder what else you don’t know.
No doubt you've experienced some of this.
It’s tragically pathetic - people not valuing others enough
to have candid conversations. Yes,
conversations! A verbal exchange of
ideas filled with awkward pauses, eye to eye contact, fumbling through
sentences, and losing your train of thought. It's perfectly acceptable to admit during a conversation, "I don't know," or "I'm really not comfortable talking about that right now." Not everything is up for grabs during a conversation - but there's no need for secrecy, just discretion.
Conversation is a lost art and must be revived. It is not tawdry or reliant on sarcasm – it leaves both parties feeling better (not necessarily resolved) about any given topic.
Be fully present. Don’t
think about what you’re going to say next, focus completely on what’s being
said now. Seek first to understand
before you seek to be understood. Beginning
with a diatribe, written or oral, does not make your message more worthy. If anything, it puts your listener on the
defensive. If you want discord, you’re
on the right track. If you desire open
communication – thoughtful, shorter replies and insightful questions win you
bonus points every single time.
Body language. Mimic
their stance - this isn't new. If they
are leaning in, lean in. If they lean
back, do likewise. Shift your weight
accordingly. Your conversation partner
may see what you’re doing, but it still puts them at ease. Be aware when someone else has become
uncomfortable or you've struck an unknowing chord (crossed arms, step
backwards, looking away or at their watch).
Consider for a moment, when you walk up to someone to speak with them, when you join a group already talking, as you approach all your communication that’s happening before you open your mouth, is non-verbal.
Meaning the other person uses all five senses
in the interaction: 83% sight, 11% hearing, 3% smell, 2% touch and 1%
taste. How does your approach come
off? Have you set the right tone before you've uttered a word? Or have you shot
yourself in the foot? Do not
underestimate the importance of non-verbal communication in connection. Love stories have stood the test of time by
romantics who didn't speak the same language!
So smile and nod the whole way through.
Agree as much as possible.
Yes, it’s possible to agree with someone else’s perspective and still
hold your own differing stance. Yes, you
can still be friendly and agree to disagree. How boring the world would be if we all agreed
on every point all the time. I’m glad
all the books written and movies produced don’t have the same storyline. Variety is Godly!
Having your message received
does not equal getting what you
want.
Having your message received means
knowing you've been heard and understood. I can receive your message and disagree with
it, but I've heard it and understand its importance to you. The reverse is also true. As you’re smiling and nodding along, speak
truthfully, yet with gentleness and reverence.
When you've been diligent enough to understand someone else,
I don’t think it’s too much to ask the question, “Do you understand my point of
view?” It’s a yes/no question, not in
need of a “but.” “Yes, but …” If you've heard them and they've heard you,
it’s perfectly okay to disagree knowing you fully understand one another. A better response is “I do see your point of
view. And I’m so glad you've taken the
time to understand mine.”
What about the last word?
Hmmmm … we all know someone who needs to have the last word in a
conversation, be it verbally or electronically. And if you don’t know who it is, it’s you! Be comfortable in your own right. Those in need of the last word, need the
perceived power the last word holds. Let
them have it and excuse yourself gracefully thanking them for the time to talk.
Let your last words be gracious.
Series Highlights
- Press Pause
- Choosing the Right Time to Talk
- Listening Well Helps your Get Your Message Across
- Hiding Behind Your Computer
- Doormat or Helpmate?
- Response, Wrapped in Love, Equals Restoration
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