Part 2: Choosing the Right Time to Talk (Talking When There Isn't a Problem)

When we were engaged, our priest didn't write down our wedding in the church calendar.  I had started making arrangements for flowers, photographers and reception sites.  I had called the church to find out who else was getting marred that day to share the cost of flowers on the altar and the secretary thought I was another bride.  I was incensed!  I wanted to fire the priest!  

My father, with great wisdom said, “Don’t do anything now, you’ll be perceived as impetuous and emotionally irrational.  Wait and speak with him directly at your meeting next month and ask for someone new.”  

He was right!  In the meantime, I had the church properly scheduled and when it came time for the meeting, I came across much more forthright than extreme. 

My father’s life experience and proffered advice speaks to two issues: choosing the right time to talk and speaking directly with someone.  We will talk about "speaking directly" later in the series.  As said in Part One, expressing each emotion you have the moment you have it is less than ideal.  Taking time to assess your dilemma is a gift you must choose to take.  The right time to talk depends on several factors: who you’re connecting with, how volatile the situation, how much delay you’re considering, if time is really all that’s needed for resolution, and how you’ll be able to assess when your subject is in an optimal place to hear your message. 

For instance, when your husband comes home from work is probably not an ideal time to chat about the ever-growing honey-do list, how much couple-time you've been able to carve out, that he never scoops the dog doo, or that his socks never hit the hamper (but land right beside it).  When is the best time to connect with your man?  Think about it.  When is he in a good place mentally?  During or after dinner?  Laying in bed before you both drift off?  After the kids go to sleep?  Do you talk better about details on the phone?  

As a general rule, men connect best side-by-side engrossed in activity:  take a walk with him (side by side), watch SportsCenter with him (on the couch, side by side), shoot baskets with him, watch him tackle a task.  Find his center of “respect,” meet him there and find his sweet spot so you can make the most of your conversation.  And remember, this is a conversation – not a monologue.  There’s give and take.  You must listen well as much as you speak to make sure you've understood one another.  But, we’ll tackle listening another day.

Neighbors, other parents, and co-workers are trickier.  You may or may not know them well enough to find the sweet spot for connection.  Being forthright works best here.  “I’d like to chat with you about the parking situation at the bus stop.  What might work best for your schedule this week?”  Be specific about your topic and make certain your wording doesn't sound accusatory but curious - this gives them time to let the idea roll around in their head.  Pose a time-frame instead of “what’s good for you?” to garner better results for a completed conversation.  Lastly, and most importantly: 

Assume the absolute best intentions of others until proven otherwise - this will go a long way in before during and after your conversation.  

If you've heard something inflammatory, assume it’s been taken out of context or misunderstood in some way.  Next up in the series: HOW TO CONNECT TO MAKE SURE YOUR MESSAGE IS RECEIVED.

Series Highlights:

• Press Pause
• How to Connect So Your Message is Received
• Listening Well Helps your Get Your Message Across
• Hiding Behind Your Computer
• Doormat or Helpmate?
• Response, Wrapped in Love, Equals Restoration

Part One: Press Pause

Do you shoot first and ask questions later? 

Reacting vs. Responding is dangerous. 

Start your training now: will this matter next week? in a month? next year? in the light of eternity does this make the cut? I can let go of a LOT of things "in the light of eternity." Training is a journey - this is a mindset shift; a perspective overhaul. Come along!

Seven Day Blog series begins today!

PART ONE: Press Pause

We get the most practice on Responding to a situation instead of Reacting to a situation with those we are closest with – our family!  Is the offense scream-worthy?  Are my feelings hurt?  Who has wounded me?  Is it a perceived injury or a real one?  Am I lashing out at someone close because I cannot or don’t want to lash out at the true offender?  A slew of questions can run through your mind – and they should.

Sally said to Harry not to "express every emotion you have the moment you have it."  Press Pause.  Don’t “stuff it” and not deal with it – but give yourself time for proper assessment.  Press Pause.  Years ago, my husband and I attended a marriage retreat which gave us time to connect over pieces of our lives that might trouble us when they weren’t troubling us.  Let me say that plainly: we talked about the problems when there wasn’t a problem.  

When there’s something truly bothering you, it’s going to bother you later that day, week, or month.  Often, the thing that bothers you is a symptom of a larger issue and doesn’t truly hit the heart of the matter.  

Blowing up over the situation (reacting), put simply, doesn’t help.  It often hurts, alienates, and creates a rift in relationships to mend.

When you choose to pause, to “hold onto” that emotion for later, you give yourself and those you love most, the gift of time (this does not mean to stew in discontent).  Time is a precious commodity.  Time offers you the chance to be curious about the situation, interrogate yourself, look at it from another perspective, resolve it internally without others' involvement, or formulate questions to gain better understanding. Time lets you calmly and rationally verbalize your emotions and feelings in a way that another will properly receive them.  

How do you choose the right time and make sure I'm heard?  Stay tuned for the rest of the series.

Series Highlights:

• Choosing the Right Time to Talk
• How to Connect So Your Message is Received
• Listening Well Helps your Get Your Message Across
• Hiding Behind Your Computer
• Doormat or Helpmate?
• Response, Wrapped in Love, Equals Restoration

Mom's Yelling Again

"If you don't stop yelling at your kids now," she said, "they won't even hear you when they're older." Some of the best advice I ever got from a dear friend when my kiddos were small. She didn't even know I had *fury* issues. And it was a fury.  When you fly into a tantrum screaming at your kiddos, them scared to death and crying up a storm.  Yet, you can't reel it in.  

She was definitely right about the "not hearing you when they're older" part, too.  My mom was a screamer.  She'd yell and yell and yell.  Sometimes she was angry, sometimes not - but she yelled.  A lot.  And all us kids did get to the point where we just tuned her out.  "Mom's yellin' again."  La la la la la .... as we went about our business.  Oh, we'd do whatever she was fussing over ....  

When someone has lost their temper, the fury or tantrum that ensues is only a symptom of the real issue.  Like a cough could indicate many other issues - allergies, sore throat, pneumonia, plain ol' cold, etc, etc.  The anger masks a bevy of emotions: sadness, embarrassment, frustration, grief, shame, the list goes on and on.  

I vowed to make a change.  It took about a year, really.  But it did happen.  A slew of things changed in my life to accomplish this modification to my behavior: increased activity, weight loss, friendships, spiritual growth, more children, better communication, accepting help, and more.  In the midst of it all, I faithfully prayed for God to supernaturally grow patience and self-control in me.  He did.  I had three children age three and under, I had plenty of reason to be completely undone pretty much all the time.  

The video camera was my accountability partner.  I wouldn't lose my cool on tape!  I was the patient, loving mom I wanted to be.  I wasn't faking it.  I was training myself.  I would invite people over.  I also wouldn't lose it in front of others.  Let's face it, we're nicer to our children and our spouse when there's an audience.  It wasn't long before I could let go of those safety-nets.  I was a quick learner.  

Now, don't get me wrong, I still lose it - I'm human.  Today, I'm in better control of my emotions and take steps to stop the anger spiral.  I would love to share my story with you.

I speak regularly on Anger Management.  Connect with me - I'd love to meet your group.

48 Hours Later

Can you believe that after just two days of stretching and light exercise that my back doesn't hurt anymore?  Seriously!  I woke up this morning without pain.  It didn't take much to get moving in the right direction, but I had to start.  

Today's another day that's been filled with meetings and chores and errands.  I need to carve out the time to exercise.  Today, my time is "tonight."  During a lacrosse practice, I'll walk laps at the field.  

Okay, so I'm not doing backbends ... yet ... maybe next week!

Time's Running Out

I'm on Day 2 of exercise and I feel like the day is getting away from me and I won't have time to exercise.  

Not having time for exercise
means I haven't made it a priority.  

It's not like I've frittered the day away.  I spent the morning on the phone with team members, had my annual evaluation, took my son to the orthodontist, went grocery shopping, got home and finally ate (for the first time today), unloaded the car, scheduled service on my Frigidaire refrigerator (don't buy this brand) for the FIFTH time since we purchased it 18 months ago, made a hair appointment, connected with my team for scheduling their evals, and talked with a friend about starting a YouTube channel.  I clearly have not been idle ... but still need to make time.  I won't find any extra time lying around anywhere.  I need to carve out the time.  


Right now, I can get it thirty minutes before the giggle twins come home.  And I can get a little more time in tonight while the kids are all at the lacrosse fields.  I'm going to seize the moment.  I have chosen well today by enjoying a POWER drink.  

My hubby calls it Kryptonite.  

Come join me on the journey towards AWESOME!